I haven't fallen out of love with metal.... rather my heart has been frozen with fear and like a rabbit in the headlights, I cannot see or feel anything except what is glaring me in the face, and temporarily blinding me.
My baby, my darling Ruairi, is missing all his milestones......... He was very slow to reach them physically, but after numerous trips to my G.P. I was told he was a 'large lazy child' who would walk in his own time. I told myself several lies.....
1. he's a boy... boys are always slower to do things than girls.
2. he's a third child, why should he bother doing anything for himself when he has an adoring brother and sister who run around after him, fulfilling all of his needs.
3. He's easy going and laid back....
These little lies were easy for me to believe..... very easy...... especially when my GP backed me up.
In the meantime my Mother in Law has been fighting a battle with cancer, as has my favourite Aunty, my mother's only sister...... I am ashamed to say that I took my eyes off the ball a little..... If it wasn't for the wonderful community nurses in my local clinic I would have continued blithely on my merry way.
Then he started missing his speech and language milestones, and it became a little harder to convince myself that things were okay.... I did have my head buried in the sand..... I know I did......
The economic climate in Ireland is as bad, if not worse than alot of places at present. Greedy bankers and builders gambled and lost, and now 'we' are paying the price for that greed. Services have been cut and appointments for specialists are few and far between. By he time his appointment came up it was obvious that there was a problem (lie number 4. perhaps he needed grommets in his ears.) He wasn't saying Mammy or Daddy...... he had no names for his brother and sister, he had never even uttered his own name. There were no nursery rhythms, counting to 10 or the 'I want' that normally arrives with the terrible twos.... (yet still I toted a 2 stone 8 pound boy on my hip as if he were a baby, and still got up every single night to give him the three bottles of milk that he cried for.......)
I still don't know what is wrong with him...... That day in the doctors office changed the game for good.... words were thrown around like.... chromosomes, fragile X syndrome, mucopolysaccaridosis, huntingtons disease, autism, and on and on and on.......
We still don't know what is wrong with him..... Chromosomal tests take along time.... but I am no longer lying to myself.....
I am in agony with 'what ifs'...... I am in tears over the 'coulda beens' and I am dreading the 'definitelys'...... I am losing sleep, and when I do sleep it's a nightmarish sleep..... I am distracted and on edge.. My shoulders are hunched with tension and I am constantly battling headaches.... all the while I am loving my happy, loving, affectionate Ruairi and trying not to despair when we cannot communicate and I cannot fill his needs......
Little wonder that my attention span is difficult to hold at the moment. Added to the grief that I am feeling, is a sense of guilt over my shop.... over not making enough coming up to the festive season, over custom orders that have been delayed waaaay beyond reason. It is a burden that is showing in my lack of work..... and I just can't fake it. Fake work would be a waste of silver, a waste of my time, a waste of my customers time. If I don't 'feel it'....then nobody else is going to either. Every piece I make has a little bit of 'me' in it.... and at the moment I have no ME to give..... sorry.
Sorry for the lack of blog posts, sorry for the lack of work, sorry for the lack of attention that I have been paying you. I am so sorry..... I JUST CAN'T FAKE IT.
19 comments:
*hugs*
You are am amazing mom!!!
Thank you for being so open about what is going on in your life and with your sweet little boy. I pray that you get some answers soon and that you hear "mama" or "mommy" even sooner ♥ I think you just have to roll with it and take each day as it comes and also remember that some of the things that you do for him really could just be his personality (Seb normally wakes up 2 or 3 times at night for a bottle, yes a bottle! a bottle that he started drinking from when he was 15 months old! he can drink out of a cup but demands a bottle and its not hurting him so we let him have it).
One day soon you`ll have the answers you need and know that everything is exactly the way its supposed to be...hey may not be reaching his milestones now, but you just never know what is just around the corner. xoxo
ps. this is a favorite quote of mine..
Be Content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." ~ Lao Tzu
Thank you so much Serena, What a wonderful quote... I will adopt it I think....
sleep tight.....xoxoxoxo
Oh Lou ~ you really are going through it ~ sending big hugs and love and know there is a Cornish shoulder waiting if you should need it.
thank you Jo.... I'm sure you have wondered why I've been so absent... The only way I could cope for the last few weeks was to withdraw into my shell..... (this is me peeping my head out.)
I did Lou ~ but I knew from reading your fb there were things going on with Ru and thought it was probably connected. I like thinking of you peeping your head out missus ~ just to know we are all here for you ♥
I wish I had more to offer than love, woman. I wish I had answers.
One of the reasons I love you so is because you're real. And sometimes real is raw.
We are all right here lifting you up and holding you tight.
Much love to you and yours.
J
Sending much love to you Lou.... I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. xoxoxo
I'll begin with saying I subscribed to you a long time ago but haven't opened up my blog feed in months (maybe it's been a year?) because I've had other things to do. I'm getting back in the habit of reading blogs again recently. All this to say I'm not a "creeper", silently reading your posts and not commenting.
So today when I read this post my first thought was prayers for you and your family. I'm childless, so I feel like there's not much I can offer in words of solace or advice. I'll leave that to the experts.
But as an artist I want to commend you for sharing your process. When art isn't pretty. When you feel dry, empty and uninspired. This is a very important part of the journey for any artist and it's these times that actually inform your work. Maybe not in this moment, but eventually it will. It will make your work richer and fuller. More so by the fact that you're sharing the experience when you're right in the midst of it instead of denying it. There are soooo many bloggers out there that only show the pretty side of their lives. Maybe it's a side that doesn't actually exist at all but is a fantasy and one can sense it in their art and their blog. As you say "faking it" and eventually I lose interest in them, sorry to say.
Anyway, much love and respect for this passage in your life and your son's. It is part of your life's story and an important tool in your kit as an artist. I wish you joy and peace.
I read this this morning before I even got out of bed, and have been thinking of you all day. I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through. My daughter was born with a birth defect that affects her eyes, and I have a pretty good idea of how you are feeling. I went on a three year creative dry spell until I was able to accept it and make the best of what I had been given. I will tell you that all of my worst fears have yet to come to pass, and for that I am grateful. Hugs to you Louise.
Louise....i understand your pain and I'm so sorry you have no answers yet. My children are grown but have mental health issues....very severe in nature. I have done everything humanly possible...i now put them in God's hands each and every day and pray for them to attain a better quality of life. You son has your love and support and your hearts are tied...that is a wonderful gift...never give up hope and keep your faith strong knowing god has a plan for you each and every day...it may not be the plan we chose but it's out of our hands. Love and prayers to you and your baby....S♥
Oh my love, I have nothing to offer but my thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Sending virtual hugs X
I hope you get those answers and help for your little boy that you so deserve ♥
Thank you everyone. I am in floods of tears again.... but only because of your kindness, understanding, care and gentle words. Having kept this to myself for a month, it is a huge relief to say..... 'things aren't right in my world' and to have so many woman reach out their hands of friendship and offer up their own experiences as mothers, to comfort me, is a great balm for my soul. thank you, thank you.xxx
Life is like a river. We may sit on the bank and look at it. Or we may jump into it and swim. We don't know what the current will bring us. But we can't fight it. We learn to accept unknown. To come to terms with "what ifs".
Sometimes it is good to know answers. Sometimes they don't change anything. You didn't have your had buried in the sand. You had hope. You wasn't ready. You can't do anything you are not prepared to do. Don't blame yourself. You always do your best and that is all that matters.
Love and life alone. You can't fake it. It is real.
Hugs to you and your family. Lou.
Hi Louise. I read your blog here and there but have never posted before; however I couldn't read this post without responding.
I wanted to let you know that I too am the parent of a child with unique challenges (Alice has a specific diagnosis, but she has a unique version of it and a chromosomal duplication that has never been seen before) and I can tell you that I know how hard it is to first face that reality. It's, quite honestly, a time of mourning, mourning certain hopes and dreams or even just expectations. And that can't be brushed aside with a "you're strong, you can do this" (despite its truth). But I can also tell you that you will eventually get past that part, and your son's disorder, whatever it turns out to be, will just be another part of your life (and that is not meant to diminish it's significance at all, it *will* change your life, that's for sure). It might be too early in your process for me to say this, but I also believe that you will eventually come to see it as a part of what makes your son the amazing little creature that he is. That won't make the challenges any less challenging, or worrisome, but parenting is hard no matter what (and, again in all honesty, I'd say my 9 year old "typically developing" child worries me more and is more difficult to parent in many ways!).
Anyway, feel free to contact me if you want to chat. My daughter is three. She has a brain disorder called holoprosencephaly. She's just barely walking and talks in a language only my partner and I can understand. And she's the best damned thing that's ever happened to me.
Love and support coming your way from Kansas! <3
Can i have more collection of Handmade jewelry
Oh Louise - you've certainly been through it :( I hope you get some answers soon. Thinking of you. Hugs. Emer
Thanks Emer xoxo
Lucy... I will email you privately.
L.xxx
Louise,
Because for some reason Google won't 'let' me follow your blog (it makes me log in over and over again to no avail) I miss important things like this.
I am so in awe of your wonderful self-care, making sure that home gets first dibs - if there is anything I can do for you from here... please let me know.
With all my heart,
Allison
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